Managing Teenage Anxiety, Disappointment, and Expectations About the College Process

From test-prep advertising to national news outlets, college is a hot topic. Many of the headlines prey on fear, these are the same fears driving the sleep-deprived purchase of a gadget promising sleep for my infant. Too few articles discuss how to help adolescents manage the college process's emotional roller coaster–both joy and disappointment–and that their self-worth is not connected to a college outcome. 

At Holderness, we believe the college process can be a joyful, exciting enterprise as we help students identify and apply to communities where they will thrive. It’s also hard, but they can do hard things.  

Students are joining a community. College is not just a line on a resume, but a community where they feel a sense of belonging and space to grow.  

There is no college soulmate. We believe students should identify many communities, balanced in acceptance rate and projected cost, so they have choices and agency in this 18-month-long process.

Thriving, not surviving. We don’t want our alumni to survive in their future communities, but to be challenged, supported, and prepared to make the most of higher education.

Our vision and values impact our approach. What you don’t see in our vision is as noteworthy as what is there. 

What we avoid, and you should too! 

A “sweatshirt picture” with the most rejective schools upfront. We get institutional pride from who our alumni are in their next community, rather than the ranking of the school they choose.

Pressure to go to the highest-ranked school on their list. Although our students are accepted to “top-ranked” schools (typically at twice the national acceptance rate), we encourage students to pick the right fit (financial, program, location, size) over the top-ranked school where they are accepted. Our Anonymous College fair demonstrates our commitment to this approach.

Hyperbole in the Application. We aren’t interested in students being inauthentic in their applications out of fear of not getting in. Holderness students have much to offer their next community, and authentic applications help them find a good fit. 

Labeling Schools “Good” or “Bad”. We don’t believe there are “good” and “bad” schools, but rather, “good fits” and “bad fits” for students. 

The belief there is a “College Soulmate”.

Inauthentic promises of acceptance. We believe in controlling what you can and letting go of what you can’t. Education for families and students about the factors in college admissions is key here. 

Ignoring the truth of institutional priorities.

For parents of 9th and 10th grade students

Don’t let the college process start too early. 

As experts in this phase of adolescence, we know first-hand how much a child grows and develops from age 14-18, their sense of self is developing. If they are asked to identify schools they like, or even look at schools too early, they can disengage with the process or have tunnel vision for “the one perfect school.” 

During these years, in most cases, students should only be hearing from the college office about course requests, leaning into extracurricular activities, and having purposeful summers. 

As adults, learn the complex factors driving college admissions.

While this process is not unpredictable, it is not a meritocracy. Every school has institutional priorities–athletics, specific seats in the orchestra, attracting students from different geographic locations, gender, or the ability to pay. Each year, institutional priorities change and shift, and these are quite confidential. 

Trying to “game” this system erodes a student's sense of agency and sends a morally complicated message about authenticity. 

Parents should lean into learning about the process in 9th and 10th grade, so they are prepared to help their students when it starts; often it is too early developmentally for students to be thinking about strategy and likelihood. 

Focus on college preparedness.

Who will you be when you get to your next community? How will you be prepared academically? Will you know how to manage your time? Will you be a community builder? Our alumni thrive in their homes; they report through narrative surveys that Holderness helped them learn to connect with others, manage their time, ask for help, and live independently.  

Compared to your peers in college, how prepared did you feel you were to do the work that was asked of you in college?
SCALE of 0= not prepared 5 = more prepared.                                         Classes of 2020-2024 survey: Average rating 4.4.                                        

Emphasize love and fit.

At remarkably consistent rates, students at Holderness say their biggest source of college pressure comes from “myself” and wanting to make their families proud, the second source of pressure is “society”, and the last source of pressure is “family.”  

How do we help them manage their own self-expectations? Emphasizing your love and respect for your child irrespective of their college acceptance is important. 

• One suggestion is writing them a note (perhaps an OB letter in their junior year) so they are reminded of what makes them valuable; and it isn’t contingent on college acceptance. 
• They are listening (even if they appear to be a disinterested teenager) when you talk about where other people “got in” or what is a “good” school or a “bad school”. This doesn’t mean there needs to be a moratorium on all topics related to college, but rather, why “X school is a good fit” for “family friend.” 

For parents of 11th and 12th grade students 

Develop an authentic balanced list focused on fit.

We want students to have 6-8 schools on their list where they could see themselves thriving. They should have 2 in each “rating”, “Likely”, “Target”, “Reach”, and “Unlikely”. This should give their list a “B-Range” list rating in the software we use (College Kickstart). We don’t want students to have “A” lists because they might be too conservative, and we don’t want them to regret that they didn’t try for a school. A student should know why each school is on their list. 

At Holderness School, how many applications do students send?
Average number of applications per student with athletic commitments: 7.2
Average number of applications per student without athletic commitments: 9.8

Reiterating it is not a meritocracy.

During our fall family weekend, we play the “GPA Game” introducing a variety of factors outside of a student’s control. We aim to normalize things like athletics, the need for an oboe player, the role of finances at many schools, family situations, gender, and how many students are applying from a certain state. These are real factors, and students can be deeply discouraged if they think these factors don’t matter. Don’t give a college admissions reader who spent 20 minutes on you, control of your self-worth. 

Deeply reflect.

Students should reflect on what they like so they can identify lots of schools in the  “Likelies” and “Targets”, understanding what they like might change throughout the 18-month process. 

Beware of the “College Soulmate” trap.

Early Decision is a critically important strategy at some schools; students getting to a point where they are willing to use a binding application process means they might convince themselves it is their “college soulmate” and experience elation or deep rejection when they are not accepted. Also, those who are accepted sometimes experience pangs of regret in March when their friends who are hearing back from Regular Decision applications have lots of choices; be prepared for this potential feeling. 

Avoid comparison whenever possible. 

Social media is rampant with students listing their test scores, GPA, and college acceptances, students should see this for what it is, seeking affirmation from the wrong place. Consider keeping the circle of people who know a student’s list, and Early Decision small, so they don’t have to talk about their results with everyone. 

Congratulations! You’ve got in and decided where you’re going. Now what?

Don’t be more excited (or disappointed) about their college decisions than them.

They pick up on the smallest signals from family members and adults they love and respect about how they fared in this very public moment of judgment. Sometimes they can interpret your excitement for them as a measure of your love for them, rather than celebrating with them. Respond to their cues and try to keep your own feelings about their process private.  

Avoid playing the “what-if” game.

Help them move forward with their new home, connect with future peers through admitted student events, help them explore potential majors, and let them take a much-needed break between high school and the start of their undergraduate work. 

If needed, remind your student that they always have a choice.  

They get to choose how they lean into their new home, what clubs they will be in, what classes they will take, if they will study abroad. if it doesn’t feel right, they can make a change or might consider a gap year.

What are the most popular colleges for Holderness School graduates?
There were 61 distinct schools on the matriculation list for 85 students, so the answer is, there aren't any! We focus on fit rather than matriculation to the top-rated.

As a parent, you have supported and nurtured your child through a major milestone toward adulthood. Just as you helped them learn to walk and couldn’t walk for them when they were younger, you now have prepared them to apply, choose, and move to college, and couldn’t do it for them. The college process can be challenging to observe and nurture. Be sure your child knows your love for them is not contingent on a 20-minute read of an admissions file and remind them that they will be successful because of who they are, not where they go to school. Assure them that you will always be there when they need support and that you have total faith in their ability to thrive in their next community.

About the Author

Kelsey Berry
Director of College Counseling

Kelsey joined the Holderness community in 2011 as a history teacher and coach, after a brief stint away, she returned in 2012. She served as the History Department Chair, then worked for five years as the Director of Teaching and Learning. In 2022, she started leading the College Counseling Office. She lives in the Pichette dorm with her two small children, and her husband, Mike Carrigan. 

kberry@holderness.org, (603) 779-5310, LinkedIn